Tekken begins with the following pre-credit narration:
"After the Terror Wars, governments fell. Corporations took control, fighting over what remained. Eight companies survived and divided up the world. Those companies were collectively known as 'Iron Fist'. The American territories fell to the mightiest corporation of all: Tekken. Once a year they hosted a tournament which was no game - kill or be killed! Outside the walls of Tekken City, in the burned-out slums they called The Anvil, that's where it all started..."
To help you appreciate what an utter shambles this film is, consider the fact that the evil Japanese corporation that governs North America (and has no apparent business in Japan) controls an army of obedient drones called 'Jackhammers', who dress like cyber-samurais and only speak Japanese; except sometimes they speak English, in order to vocalise important plot points for the benefit of the viewers. "But Sir! Our men are still in there!" one Jackhammer protests, when directly ordered to blow up a building; "I don't care!" growls Kazuya, the sulky crown prince of Tekken, "I'm a really evil dude who thinks nothing of killing his own men! Although I will choose to ignore your questioning of my orders."
I'm paraphrasing that last part.
This is an archetypically poor beat-em-up adaptation that throws out 90% of the established plot, runs the rest through a blender and pours it down the loo. Why do people make these things? Are there any precedents where this has proven to be a good idea? If you are a Hollywood screenwriter with experience of developing film adaptations that alienate fans of the original franchise while offering nothing to attract new audiences, please write in and explain - at least Uwe Boll can justify his terrible films as tax write-offs (a story I'll dive further into once I can persuade myself to watch Bloodrayne again).
Don't watch this film. Honestly, it's an insult to human intellect and culture - there is absolutely nothing here to interest any potential viewer. But instead of watching Tekken, why not try watching some of the films that Namco skimmed ideas from while designing Tekken's most iconic characters?
Police Story 2 is one of the first Jackie Chan films I ever watched, and also one of my favourites. In it, the 'real-life' Lei Wulong is busted down to working as a traffic cop on account of his habitual destruction of public property while making arrests, and must take down a vengeful drug lord and a gang of violent terrorists while protecting his friends and family.
Way of the Dragon is a classic Bruce Lee movie in which Marshall/Forest Law's inspiration punches, kicks, and squeals his way through a long line-up of bad dudes while helping out in a distant friend's restaurant in Rome. It's probably best known for Bruce's famous fight against Chuck Norris, set in the Colosseum, which beat-em-up fans of a certain age may recognise from Street Fighter Alpha.
Tiger Mask isn't so much a film, but a bizarre meta-story that crosses cultures and media in an unusual way. To begin at the beginning, someone once made a couple of Mexican films in the 60's in which a priest becomes a wrestler in order to support an orphanage. Inspired by this, a real-life priest began to do exactly that, wrestling under the name Fray Tormenta. Inspired by him, a cartoonist called Ikki Kajiwara created a manga series called Tiger Mask, about a heel wrestler who turns face and uses his winnings to support... his childhood orphanage.
Then things start to get a little weird: the Tiger Mask character was used as the persona of a real-life Japanese pro wrestler Satoru Sayama. Over time, Tiger Mask grew so popular that he became a sort of brand - the rights to the character were traded between different wrestling promotions and the costume was worn by a number of different wrestlers, including the legendary Mitsuharu Misawa. Somewhere down the line, someone at Namco decided to rip off this whole design to create King, right down to his signature move - the Tigerdriver. While researching this article, it's also come to my attention that the story has flipped back into the real world again recently, with anonymous Japanese do-gooders leaving donations on the steps of orphanages and signing them off as the work of the fictional Tiger Mask. Imagine if you could go back to the 60's and tell that screenwriter what his legacy would become.
I think the point I'm trying to make is that the world is a fascinating place, and of all the countless ways in which you could pass your time on Earth, watching Tekken is one of the worst.
[Midnight Resistance's own Andi Hamilton once smoked a fag with Mitsuhara Misawa, and it was incredible.]