Andi: Guys! Sean McTiernan has emailed us. He’s sent us descriptions of some recurring dreams he has had and we’re going to analyse them and tell him what videogames his subconscious is telling him to play. I don’t even fucking know any more.
“I am on the late show with David Letterman. I am dressed as a ninja turtle, so are the other 3 people around me. I don't know what colour my mask is to know who I am. I cannot see the other's masks. I have to vamp and play off Dave's jokes. I do well.”
Andi: I don’t think Letterman is important here, more just being in the public eye. I think this is about playing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game on multiplayer on a fucked, cigarette burned fairground arcade. People were watching. His fellow players died but he managed to best Rocksteady at the end of level one. People were watching. They were secretly quite impressed.
Sean: Missing the point entirely here, but if he’s going to play a Turtles game, it should be TMNT on the GBA. It’s by the dudes who went on to do the Scott Pilgrim game, and who are now working on Mercenary Kings. One of the common threads running through these three games is that they’re all fucking brilliant.
Owen: You’re both taking this very literally. Look at it this way: He doesn't know which ninja turtle he's changed into, and what's really telling is that he doesn't know which ninja turtles are beside him. The truth is that he is ALL of the ninja turtles, unable to identify as any particular one. The different aspects of his self-identity are crying out to be given a chance to express themselves individually. This is a man primed to enjoy The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords in single-player mode.
Sean: Wait, wait. Looking at it like that, isn’t Killer 7 a contender? DISCLAIMER: I haven’t played Killer 7.
“My tooth grows out of my head and tries to stab me in the face. I can't move my legs. I start rolling, it turns out I am on a hill, sometimes covered with balloons. This is probably cause this was a thing I originally hallucinated via salvia on St. Patrick's Day many years ago. I wake up before the tooth stabs anything other than my cheeks.”
Andi: I am pretty sure this dream is about Kid Klown in Crazy Chase on the SNES. Like, straight up. He’s basically described the first level.
Sean: Nonsense - his mind is willing him to recreate experiences he’s had whilst on drugs. The best way to do this is to repeatedly play the Touch Fuzzy, Get Dizzy level from Yoshi’s Island or, better yet, play the 2005 PlayStation 2 version of NARC. In it, the drugs you confiscate from arrested dealers can be handed back to the cops, or you can keep them to use as power-ups, with different drugs conferring certain abilities like increased speed or greater weapon accuracy. This is exactly what drugs are really like, so it’s perfect.
Owen: He needs a therapeutic game to help him deal with the trauma of taking illegal drugs, not a simulator to help him relive the experience. If I was to try and name the game which is furthest removed from the effects of drug use, I would have to suggest Aerobiz on the SNES.
Andi: That’s true. I’m not sure it’s possible to do so many hallucinogens you think you’re the CEO of a major international airline. That sounds like the worst possible trip.
“I am in a mostly-yellow kitchen playing the guitar but the strings pass through my fingers, severing them. As the blood covers the guitar and the floor, I still try to play while slipping around. I am trying to play the intro to In Too Deep by Sum41.”
Andi: In fairness, worth persevering with, despite the horrific sounding injuries. It’s a well good riff, that. At risk of concentrating on the guitar playing too much, perhaps his inner-self is crying out for one of the all-time greats - Gitaroo Man?
Sean: Actually, I think this is some kind of sympathy dream from that one time I got accidentally invited to a press event and I fucked my hand up playing Guitar Hero 3. Gitaroo Man also works, though - the legendary Gitaroo has no strings on which to slice your fingers, providing a safe way for McTiernan to hone his skills.
Owen: This is clearly all about the dual meaning of the word ‘play’ - the connection between videogames and musical instruments as tools of self-expression. I think what we have here is a subconscious fear of physically painful videogames; anxiety that the subject is so bad at a game that he might hurt himself. For your man McTiernan, young as he is, I’m thinking he wants some private practice in the Bishi Bashi/Pop’n Music field of button-slapping flagellation.
“All I can see is a face, they have me shoved me against a wall and are stabbing me repeatedly underneath the chin. It's a different person every time. It's been my Dad, my Mam, Sporty Spice, podcaster Jonathan Larroquette, Irish politician Leo Varadkar, My dead grandmother but 10 years ago, George Costanza, Liam Neeson and more. I wake up before they say anything.”
Owen: Dark Souls.
Andi: Dark Souls. Absolutely bloody Dark Souls.
Sean. DARK SOULS.