Let's make Sonic The Hedgehog a dog, fuck it.
No one likes the prick anyway. Sure, he was cool when he first came onto the scene. We were young, and it was the nineties, so any twat that waggled his finger with attitude was alright by us. But you live and you learn. You get older and more cynical, but wiser and more grounded in reality.
The sequels begin to pile up. Game after game of a little wise-cracking shithead and his bellend mates running about, and glitching into things. Repeatedly reminding you of what an idiot you were for thinking any game after Sonic 2 would be good.
They weren’t. You were wrong to have those thoughts and you’re right to hate yourself. I’m with you. I bought a Sega Saturn off the back of a character that had about as much depth as the shit-filled water in your toilet. Dropping into a Sonic game these days is about as fun as being stuck in a lift with the cast of The Only Way Is Essex. Give it 5 minutes and you’ll want the cable to snap.
I’d like to tell you that Sonic Boom was the last straw, but it wasn’t. Keep telling yourself that Sonic Adventure was a good game, then compare it to Mario 64, a game that came out two years prior. Remember those arguments you had in the school playground? Saying Sonic was better than Mario? Hang your fucking head in shame.
If you’re a little younger than I am, you’ll probably be shocked that anyone defended the little blue cunt at any point in history. It must be like when your Dad tells you that Joshua Tree is actually a decent album.
Nope, I’m done. So, here’s my proposal. Turn the infamous hedgehog into a dog. Here are my workings:
1. Dogs are better than hedgehogs. They have more personality, and they’re not shit.
2. You don’t need to make a dog fast, they’re already fast. The good ones are, anyway. My dog can outrun a hedgehog, no problem.
3. Dogs can be brutal. Forget jumping on heads, the plumber has that already dealt with. Imagine Sonic The Dog running up to Robotnik (Eggman, whatever) and pouncing on his face. Chewing on his eyes and that. Then taking his remains, shitting on them and burying them before dragging his arse along the floor until it’s clean.
4. Dogs don’t have many mates. In the world of Sonic, that’s a good thing.
Just for a moment, imagine the game I’m suggesting. Running through long grass, smashing up tellies, collecting rings, biting heads off. Get rid of those bounce pads and replace them with long tubes and little hurdles like they use in Crufts.
Tails can still be in it. He can eat the little dog shits you leave behind like the dirty rotten fox he is. Imagine that. One of the most irritating characters in gaming eating your excretion with a smile on his face, all rendered in beautiful HD. Maybe a close up shot on the Wii U game pad, I haven’t fully thought this bit through.
You could power up by finding bones within the carcasses of your enemies and turning ultra aggressive. Anyone who comes near you, even a friend will feel threatened as you show your teeth as they try and take the bone off you.
What about stomping on those machines at the end of a boss battle, watching all those happy little birds pop out and barking like fuck at them as they fly away for dear life? Instant satisfaction.
Maybe add some time travel in there. You could return to Green Hill zone and literally chase Sonic The Hedgehog through a stage, watch him spin the sign at the end and run off screen before running back and smiling at the camera just as you enter left and permanently damage him.
What will the fans think, I hear no-one ask? Well if they’re okay with Sonic donning a Nathan Drake persona while Knuckles deforms into something from a scrap of paper in David Lynch’s bin then they’ll be able to handle this. They’ll be concerned but it’ll pale in comparison to the outrage I feel in the pit of my stomach when Sega announce that they’re revamping the series again only to show more All Bar One drinking, gap-year taking fuckhead characters that you have no interest in spending time with.
Dogs are where it’s at. Loyal, funny and a bit dopey but always loveable and if you’re one of those people that actually like Sonic The Hedgehog then get in touch with me on twitter as I’d like to block you.