What does a girl in the most minimalist of bikinis have to do with Company Of Heroes 2? Absolutely sod all, but yet the 'booth babe' phenomenon continues at every single videogame event on the planet. The most absurd I have ever seen myself was an actually topless woman being painted and ignored in the corner of a room onboard HMS Belfast for some Sega XBLA shmup. I was invited upon a historical warship, plied with free booze and yet, some PR department goon decided that painting some poor girls tits was just what we needed to make the night complete. What exactly did they expect? For us to all stand around her in a circle as she is slowly covered in paint? It was more than a bit creepy. I instead took this opportunity to get absolutely sauced, put my hair in a ponytail and wander around pretending to be Casey Ryback (I wish I was making this up).
Anyway, this year, after a bit of an issue involving QR codes and women’s behinds last year, Eurogamer have decided to crack down a bit on the whole booth babe thing for their forthcoming 2013 Expo. So, for any of you PR companies out there who are now struggling to come up with a way to make people flock to your booth (like your game isn’t fucking enough, or something) here are some far better, and crucially, more relevant alternatives.
ASSASSIN’S CREED IV: BLACK FLAG
Henry Rollins in his little black shorts, screaming. Actually, if Ubisoft can get Rollins to shout even three words from ‘Damaged’ I’ll buy their inevitably dull pirate thing on principle.
BATMAN: ARKHAM ORIGINS
Batman, obviously. Wouldn’t you just feel safer knowing Batman was in the building? All it’ll take is one of those angry, screaming Call of Duty kids to have a bad game and we’ve got a Postal situation on our hands. NOT on Batman’s watch. As an aside, anyone seen cosplaying as a Heath Ledger’s Joker is to be brought to ‘justice’.
A real soldier. He stands by the booth, hearing the sounds of war constantly for four days. He sees the giant queue of kids lining up to take part in the next killing session. A lone tear rolls down his face. What have we become?
CASTLEVANIA: LORDS OF SHADOW 2
This game features Robert Carlyle, Patrick Stewart and that dude who played Robb Stark in Game of Thrones on voice acting duties. Just one of those hanging around is far more amazing than some poor girl in a ‘vampy’ outfit, taking photos with fat virgins, unable to shake that dead look from behind her eyes.
DARK SOULS 2
A knight, in full armour. He’s on his knees outside the booth, crying uncontrollably, to the point where people are genuinely worried about him. Any attempts to console him are met with wild aggression and screaming in tongues. He has also shat himself. Dark Souls.
Just get some Football cunt.
INJUSTICE: GODS AMONG US
A confused looking Superman, who wanders around asking punters “Why am I here this year? I’ve no idea.”
NEED FOR SPEED: THE RIVALS
Just get some other Football cunt.
A car. *yawn*
THE ELDER SCROLLS ONLINE
A rad looking bunch of barbarian bastards, wizards and nefarious rogues. But wait, look closer - they’re all bored to tears by the monotonous task they have to perform on a daily basis. Art imitates life.
WOLFENSTEIN: THE NEW ORDER
Three words: Giant. Robot. Hitler.